My friend kv’s boyfriend moved back to home yesterday, stopping at BKK on the way.
kv told me that she cried non stop at the airport. And that when he finally had to head off to the gates she held him so he wouldn’t leave. Apparently she’s still weepy. and despite attempts to get by her coworkers to cheer her up, she’s inconsolable.
I’m trying to recall the last time I felt that way upon saying goodbye to someone.
It’s been a long time.
There’s something very raw this kind of emotion. It is somewhat like a child’s feelings, full of fear of abandonment and loss. It is primal, not logical. And in the circles of people I know, that kind of reaction would be viewed as immature.
Maybe. But why judge that emotion? Why put it into a box like that?
She didn’t want him to go. That’s it.
There’s a phrase in Japanese pop songs–‘setsunai koi’–the painful difficulty of love. That’s what her emotions remind me of.
I wonder if I am capable of letting myself feel that deeply any more, of letting the heart run wild and loose like that. And how did I get to be this way?
-/-
Later, thinking about it more, I realize that much of this is personality. Still, my emotions are pretty heavily filtered–whether that is something I learned to do or it’s just part of my innate personality, I don’t know. (And I’ll save discussion of personality for another time.)
At any rate, I don’t feel raw despair or love or hate like I used to as a kid. I wonder what it’s like to be that emotional.