Author: phil

View from the office where I am working today.

Blowin out the candles.

A weekend spent completely alone, holed up in the apartment, huddled by the heater for warmth.
Finally, sunday evening, head out to see a movie.
It feels good to be out in the crowd, watching and being watched.
just the company of strangers is reassuring.
Overheard at Denny's: "then you shouldn't order from the senior menu."
the girl coming out of Children of Men: "that was… Intense."
the girl leaning into her boyfriend, walking along, with a headphone cord dangling loose out of the back of her sweater.
How dirty my shoes are. I went to the puma store to look for new shoes. The ones I like are way too expensive, $150. I don't buy, it's inconvenient because I don't want to carry anything around.

-/-

A teenager pretending to be british. I remember when my friends goofed around like that.
How my circle of friends has gotten smaller.

-/-

An ATM with a "do you want to cancel this transaction?" screen. I pressed yes, and a Chase bank card belonging to J Mizrahi came out. There was no signature on the card. It felt used, not new. After carrying the card around for awhile, I decided to just throw it away. Impossible to locate the owner, and the bank will just issue a new one anyway.
After the movie, a scarf left on the end seat. I look around but am unsure who it belongs to. I leave it there, draped across the seat/floor. as I exit, a woman pushes past me. I see her retrieve the scarf.

-/-

in the theater lobby, two young men in a full body embrace.

-/-

Overheard in Denny's, two older men next to my table talk about their aging parents. "my dad is in pain, and his thumbs don't have strength to open a bottle of tylenol pills to kill the pain."
More: "My father made a remarkble admission today: I asked him if he was happy, and he said no, he hadn't been happy for a long time."
"it's a generational thing."
"this sounds terrible, but I hope my father doesn't outlive my mother. I won't be able to deal with him."
for some reason, this conversation encourages me.

-/-

I feel a little alone, disassociated from the crowd but thankful also for their presence. The numb of being so quiet starts to fade.
It's silly, but the bright lights of retaildom and the music and the noise cheer me. Yes, I know that it is a marketing culture built to please me, it's a bright shiny world where I am catered to, so that I will spend. But I don't care. The manakins, headless, do not judge me. They lounge in resplendent luxury, in lighting calculated to evoke a emotion. The music too, creates a mood. I know this and I embrace it. After being so quiet and numb, it's a pleasure to borrow these moods, these good moods, until emotion builds and I can claim a feeling of my own.

-/-

the movie I saw tonight, Pan's Labrinth, was dark and haunting. I thought that I would not be able to forget the haunting llullaby that is hummed at the end.
But already, in the lights and muzak and the girl squealing, "Just kidding, Jack." it has already faded away.

downtown, on a pleasant morning commute.

I left the house this morning in drizzle, but by lunchtime the sky had cleared, and a particularly winter sunshine fell through the office windows.