Category: Musings

I’m riding BART again these days, and it is interesting transitioning back to a commute of people-watching, rather than car-cursing.

The fares were raised as of January, so I estimate that this commute ticket I pay $48 for will only last two weeks: the fare is now 5.90 round trip.

There were a bunch of cops out last week in the stations: when I got out, I understood why. bin Laden had issued another threat via tape.

Waiting at the bus stop in Emeryville, a fellow rider noticed an abandoned purse. She asked if it was one of ours. Nope. We checked inside for ID, but there was nothing, no cash, no contents, no indication of what it was or why it was there. one woman, who had hung back and not examined the purse, said: “you never know, these days, if there might not be a bomb or something in a bag like that.” Unbelieveable. The bus was pulling up, so as I got on, I turned towards her and said, “A bomb on this corner? Not likely. Maybe that other corner.” pointing at the Starbucks.
Continue reading “Notes on the commute”

My friend kv’s boyfriend moved back to home yesterday, stopping at BKK on the way.

kv told me that she cried non stop at the airport. And that when he finally had to head off to the gates she held him so he wouldn’t leave. Apparently she’s still weepy. and despite attempts to get by her coworkers to cheer her up, she’s inconsolable.

I’m trying to recall the last time I felt that way upon saying goodbye to someone.

It’s been a long time.

There’s something very raw this kind of emotion. It is somewhat like a child’s feelings, full of fear of abandonment and loss. It is primal, not logical. And in the circles of people I know, that kind of reaction would be viewed as immature.

Maybe. But why judge that emotion? Why put it into a box like that?

She didn’t want him to go. That’s it.

There’s a phrase in Japanese pop songs–‘setsunai koi’–the painful difficulty of love. That’s what her emotions remind me of.

I wonder if I am capable of letting myself feel that deeply any more, of letting the heart run wild and loose like that. And how did I get to be this way?

-/-

Later, thinking about it more, I realize that much of this is personality. Still, my emotions are pretty heavily filtered–whether that is something I learned to do or it’s just part of my innate personality, I don’t know. (And I’ll save discussion of personality for another time.)

At any rate, I don’t feel raw despair or love or hate like I used to as a kid. I wonder what it’s like to be that emotional.

Someone mentioned that they read a book about relating better to yourself and others. the author of this book posited that failures in how we treat others can be viewed as making choices with limited awareness.

For example, the driver who honks impatiently at the car ahead doesn’t see the pedestrian at the crosswalk.

For example, the parent that scolds the child for hitting didn’t hear the wprds exchanged beforehand.

For example, the man who can’t live with himself for heartbreak, doesn’t see that his pain is driving people away.

‘Expanding your awareness’ is one of those terms that is tainted by stereotypes of new age hippies and the drug culture. I am reluctant to embrace the term. Still I believe there is something to be said for its use.

Remembering that the same place looks different depending on where you are. Running is a great reminder of this. Each stretch of road or hill is different the closer to it you get. And depending on how you have eaten, slept, trained, or rested the run feels diffferent even doing the same path over and over.

Places have a psychological meaning as well. The furthest place I’ve run to. The diner for our first date. The place I go to study. Strange how we overlay meaning onto physical spaces–how it is possible for us to relate our minds and our bodies.

Maybe the same trick can be used with this awareness expanding. Physically moving to another location, driving a different route home, the same route but at a different time of day.

We often invoke the ‘need for a new perspective’ when we are unhappy or disappointed. But when we are happy? Do we stop expanding our awareness when we are enjoying life? Is there a line where we cross over into angst?

Modulating our awareness seems to be key. Manipulating it so that the frustrating becomes absurd, the annoying amusing, the dire shrinks to managebly problematic.

Well, that was quick. May has slipped by and what did I get done?

Not a lot. I think June needs to be the month of Getting Things Done. At least not much accomplished vis-a-vis my personal goals.

I’ve always been tremendously lazy when it comes to cooking, or more accurately, when it comes to doing the dishes. This resulted in a lot of eating out. But I am paying more attention to what I eat. Basically, if I do wise grocery shopping, I’ll eat better and healthier. This is something I am learning late, but late than never.

Over the memorial day weekend, I did not eat out once (except for an ice cream cone). Not bad.

What did I do in May? I travelled. In Thailand, I spent a week on a sailboat and swam in 86 degree water 5 times a day. I learned to turn a winch. I saw a whale. I saw my 1 year old niece. I spent time alone, recharging. I caught up on sleep. I played plenty of video games. I started running again. I saw friends: Ning, Pook, Flo. I ate green tea creme brulee.

So, not a complete waste. But June can be richer, with a bit of work.

Ooh yeah. I got a new smartphone, and so I am blogging again.